Look Again

My first car was a 14 year-old Chrysler for which I paid forty dollars. It was kind of rusty. After I removed the bits that were loose, I painted it black and beige using a four inch brush and lots of love. It's name was Rumbles. I drove it around town for two or three summers before selling it for a 50%  profit. Best investment I ever made.

Rumbles 1963

During one of those summers, I vaguely recall an incident that left me puzzled about my place in the world. I was in the car, parked somewhere, window rolled down. A young man approached looking annoyed, ready for a confrontation if not a fight. That was my first impression. I decided to step out of the car and listen to his complaint. He never volunteered what was on his mind. Instead, when he saw that I was a foot taller, he backed away and left without a word.

He didn't let me see his grievance so I was unable to satisfy him even if I wanted to. I needed a second look at the situation to take in what was happening. I take a third look at that story now. This time, I step back and observe myself in action. I notice that Dennis is indeed taller than average and that people may find him intimidating even when it isn't intended. 

I am still surprised when people take me more seriously than I take myself. Inside I am a puppy. I bark a bit, but don't really bite. Knowing that my size can be threatening, I sometimes make myself smaller to seem more friendly. It's not quite a play bow, but I will crouch to speak to children. I may even (metaphorically) roll over and avoid aggravating anger by playing vulnerable. 

The product of a third look is a clearer idea of how one might react. Some people say, "Don't be a wimp. Don't take any crap. Stand up and be a man. Don't change who you are to please others. Take control." We are familiar with the consequences of such self-assured dominance posturing: lost opportunities, lost friends, bruised fists, black eyes, missing teeth, guns, funerals, disgrace and jail. We are torn between taking care of ourselves, loyalty to the gang and duty to society as a whole. So with a third look, we consider whether it is better to be aggressive, defensive, victim, ally, peace maker or friend. With a third look, we can be more flexible and get better results.

Where do we get the third look? We get it in the family, on the playground, testing our friendships to see what works, competitive sports, News reports, documentaries, dramas, comedies, reality shows, cinema, theatre, biographies, histories, fiction, social media, counting to ten or twenty or seventy times seven, or a walk in the woods until the hormones subside. 

Why bother with a third look? After the weather, what concerns us most is conflict. Next comes food and conflict over food, and then love often spiced with a dash of conflict. I almost forgot money, and lots of conflict over money. 

Yet, surprisingly, we don't give lessons in conflict resolution, except perhaps to troubled adults who have sought out help from professional counsellors, or have been assigned anger management training by a judge. We just assume that the most important thing our children can learn will be absorbed by osmosis from adults who have no explicit understanding of what they are doing or how to do it. In any case we are busy taking care of business; so, kids, go play on the Internet.

The conclusion of this rant points to what is increasingly missing from our culture. Religion has been the repository and conveyor of the wisdom we need to resolve conflict. That is not to say that religion has always been peaceful, quite the opposite. The story of how our thoughts about God have led us into conflict is important so we don't do those things again. Look for the failures of love in the story; notice shining in the darkness how the divine gives itself up transforming the aggressor over and over again. 

And that's not all. There is so much more to being human. I'm not done with the third look.

I need to get back to Sunday School.